


Fear

by Jessie2126



Series: Madney Prompts, 1 Shots, and Drabbles. [8]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Domestic Violence, F/M, Pannic attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:13:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25868740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jessie2126/pseuds/Jessie2126
Summary: This takes place right after Chim asks her to move in with him in S3 E13The original Prompt was:Maddie has a horrific panic attack when Albert comes home drunk and angry after an argument with his dad. In his anger, he throws his ringing phone against the nearest wall. Chimney tries everything he can to get her to calm down, terrified he’s going to have to call 911 if she doesn’t soon.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Series: Madney Prompts, 1 Shots, and Drabbles. [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1760506
Comments: 7
Kudos: 18





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MaddieandChimney](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/gifts).



> Maddie, thanks as always for the wonderful prompt.  
> TW, anxiety, panic attacks, and mentions of domestic abuse

By all accounts, it’s just a normal evening for them. She comes over, they order in takeout, they kiss, feed each other. He tells her about the woman who gave birth in the ambulance. She tells him how she helped calm down a child who had gotten stuck in the crawl space behind his house. The routine is normal, comforting, what they do. Then he shows up.

He’s not expecting him. He had given him a key, told him to come and go as he pleases. He jumps slightly when the door crashes open and he storms in. He takes 1 look at him and can automatically tell, he’s drunk. It’s his uneasy gate, the way he can’t really walk straight, the glazed overlook in his eyes. “Hey, albert, how was your night?”

“How was my night?” His tone is cold, hard, tense. “Great, until he called. It wasn’t to tell me that he was proud of me, or that he was happy for me. Do you know what it was for???!!!”

His voice is growing louder with each word. He can slowly see Maddie’s face beginning to lose all color. “What? And you really should calm down.” He tries to keep his tone calm, even, he doesn’t want to enrage him even more.

“Don’t tell me to calm down, you sound just like him. I swear, I don’t know why you even try. He obviously doesn’t care, doesn’t love us, and here you are, all happy. Look at you, you’ve got your girlfriend, nice place, your life is just perfect, isn’t it?” Then his phone rings. Instead of answering it, he takes one look at the display, swings his hand back and throws. The sound of shattering glass follows. But then, there’s another, much quieter sound. He looks to his left. Maddie is curled up in a fetal position on the floor, arms rapped around her knees, shaking harder than he’s ever seen her shake before.

It’s pure instinct. He stands, strides over to Albert, and lightly touches his shoulder. He wants to grab him, throw him against the wall, shake him. But he won’t, he can’t, he has her to think about. All he can see is the look on her face. The way she’s still curled up on the ground. He needs to get Albert out, right now. He needs to be quick, get right back to her, hold her. His teeth are gritted as he leans into him. “Did you even see the look on her face?” He doesn’t even wait for his head to shake before he continues. “No of course you didn’t, cause it’s all about Albert, Isn’t it?” He honestly can’t remember if he’s ever been this angry. “Get out, right now!!!!”

Maybe it’s the look on his face, or the level of intensity in his voice. Whatever it is, Albert stumbles towards the door, Chim right behind him, closing it softly so he wouldn’t startle her even more. He quickly kneels in front of her, gently placing a light touch to her shoulder. Her reaction is automatic, an immediate flinch, just like when she dropped the plate several months ago. Her face is still stark white, he can here the rapid way she’s breathing. He speaks as softly as he knows how. The same way he would if he were calming a terrified child. “Hey, Mads, can you look at me?”

She doesn’t respond, just keeps shaking, hands clenched into fists, empty look on her face. He can feel his heart starting to pound with panic. He’s scared, he hates seeing her like this. But he can’t fall apart, he needs to be there for her. “Okay, that’s fine, I’m right here Mads, right here, I’m not going anywhere. Can you try and take a few deep breaths with me?”

Again, there’s no response. Her chest continues to rise and fall rapidly. He knows he needs to get her to breathe, knows exactly what will happen if she’s not taking in enough oxygen. “Hey, I’ve got you, in, 2, 3, 4. Hold, 2, 3, 4. Out, 2, 3, 4.” 

It doesn’t seem to be working. “Maddie, I promise, I am right here, you are loved, safe, I’m not going to leave you, I promise.” He gently uses his thumb to lightly lift her chin. “Mads, I got you. I know, it’s the sound of the breaking glass, it brings it all back. But your safe, you’re with me, in my kitchen, on the ground, you’ve just eaten take out. I’m not going anywhere, but I need you to try and breathe for me. Do you think you can do that?”

Maybe it’s that she finally starts to look at him. But he can here that her breathing is beginning to get deeper. “Good, that’s it, I got you, I’m right here.” The shaking hasn’t stopped though. “Maddie, is it okay if I touch you?” Again, no response. He slowly moves to sit beside her, and gently raps an arm around her shoulder. “Maddie, hey, you are safe, let it out, I’m not going anywhere.”

She doesn’t remember the full events of the night. It’s funny how the mind works. One minute she’s happy, smiling, with the person who makes her feel so safe. The next, she’s flashing back to that night. When she had broken those glasses, the way his anger had poured over her in waves. She needs to hide, make herself as small as possible. It’s almost like her mind goes dark, completely overcome by the memories of before. She feels her knees hit the ground, notices how it’s getting harder and harder to take in air. But then, he’s there, beside her. She’s vaguely aware of him counting, talking, present, but it’s all white noise. But then, he puts an arm around her and says the words that she so desperately needs to hear. “Let it out.”. And maybe that’s what does it, his touch. It’s so gentle, smooth. And his words. The fact that he’s telling her that it’s okay to not be okay. When he holds her, all the tension she has been building up finally releases and her shoulders rise and fall rapidly as she sobs.


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This takes place the morning after  
> The original prompt was:  
> Part 2 🥺 Maddie is exhausted after her panic attack, so Chim lets her sleep it off. When she wakes up the next day, he asks her if she wants to talk about it 🥺

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW, Anxiety, panic attack, mentions of domestic abuse

He can’t stop staring at her, watching her chest rise and fall. He knows how anxiety works, knows that she’s not going to stop breathing while she’s asleep. But his mind won’t stop racing. What if he hadn’t gotten through to her. What if she couldn’t get any air. What if he had to call 9-1-1? He tries to close his eyes, push the thoughts aside. It only half works. 

He wakes up earlier than she does. Lightly heads into the kitchen, puts on a pot of her favorite tea. He knows how she’ll feel after the fact, knows that attacks leave her completely drained, knows that she needs hours of sleep to feel even a little better. He waits and wonders. Wonders if he should bring it up. Wonders if she’ll want to talk about it. Even though he’s known her for over a year now, he’s still afraid to push. He’s heard the stories, seen the scars. He doesn’t want her to think that he’s like Doug. His heart drops as he realizes that that’s how she felt last night, like she was still in that abusive situation. He hopes he can get through to her, hopes that she’ll still want him, hopes that he can still make her feel safe, even after last night.

She sits up slowly, trying to take deep breaths. Even though she knows it’s over, knows she’s slept for hours, she’s still exhausted. She’s tried to describe it to Chimney. It’s like she’s been run over by a truck, like her limbs feel like rubber. Even standing up and getting ready for the day is hard for her. She slowly walks into the living room and her eyes immediately turn to the couch. She knows he won’t hurt her again, but her thoughts still rush to Doug. 

“He’s staying with Buck for the night.” Chim is standing in the door way, holding a mug. He slowly approaches and offers it to her. “Thought you could use this.” 

She takes it from him and lightly sits on the couch. She picks it up and slowly takes a small sip. It’s perfect, just the way she likes it. Chai, with cinnamon, just the right amount. He had practiced making it until he learned just how she liked it. Ever since she had told him how much it helped her anxiety, he always made sure to make it after a really bad attack. “Thanks.”

He gives a small shrug. “It’s the least I could do.”

He sits beside her, making sure to keep a safe distance. He doesn’t say anything for a minute, just watches her. She loves how he can do that. Sit in silence with her for as long as she needs. She’s still not sure if she can talk. Albert was his brother, what if he sides with him and not her. The fear must have been evident on her face. He gives her a kind smile. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She looks away. “I don’t know. I’m sorry, it’s usually not that bad, I just.”

He slides closer and lifts her chin so she’s looking at him. “Mads, you have nothing to be sorry for. You have anxiety, it doesn’t make you lesser or weak. It’s just a part of you. I love you Maddie, and no matter how many panic attacks you have, that’s never going to change. I’m not going to force or push you, but I am always right here whenever you’re ready.”

She leans into him and he raps an arm around her. Her head drops onto his chest and for a few minutes, she just listens to the sound of his heartbeat. It calms her, allows her breathing to slow, grounds her. She looks up at him and takes a slow deep breath. “It just took me back, to him.” 

He gives an understanding not. “I know it did.”

“Doug was.” Another slow deep breath. “He would just get so angry, so fast. I would never know when it was coming. One minute he’d be fine, smiling, the next.” She trails off.

“I’m so sorry Maddie.”

“I never knew how to act when it happened. He hated tears. I’d usually have to hold it back, act like everything was okay.”

He held her tighter. “If you need to cry, you can, you know that, right?”

She nods. “I do, but I think I got all that out yesterday.”

He gives a small smile. 

“Last night, we were so happy, laughing, and then he came in, so angry, I just didn’t know what to do.”

“I know. Mads, I’m right here, I got you.”

She loves when he says that. Loves how grounding he is. Loves how he’ll never push her. “I had no idea what to do. I remembered the whine glasses, on our wedding night. I just, that was the first time I realized how angry he could get. I know your not like that, neither is he, but I just.”

“Maddie, look at me. You never ever have to justify yourself to me. You’ve been through trauma. First the hostage situation, now this, your reactions are totally normal. I’m just glad your okay. I thought.” His voice breaks, and she can tell that he’s trembling slightly. “I really thought I might have to call 9-1-1.”

She feels her heart drop. “Oh, Chim, I’m sorry. I just.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” 

No matter how many times he says that it’s still so hard for her to believe. Apologizing, like I love you, was such an automatic response for her. It was her way of smoothing things over. She loves how she never needs to apologize for her actions with him. 

“I know, thank you. But I still hate when this happens. I’m glad I have you though. Your always just good at being there. It means a lot.” 

“Maddie, I love you. You don’t need to thank me. I’ll always be right here.”

She squeezes him tighter. She knows that her anxiety will still be there, it won’t go away. But she has him. It’s only realized even more when he speaks again.

“So, I’ve been thinking, what do you think about Albert moving out?”

“No, Chimney, I couldn’t make you.”

“It’s not just for you. I’m sick of all his stuff everywhere. He’s so messy. But most of all. I really care about you. I don’t want you to feel scared when you move in. I want you to feel safe, and if that means getting him out of here, then so be it.”

She wishes she could say the words, wishes she could tell him how much his awareness means to her. She can’t, not right now anyway, so instead, she just holds him tighter and hopes that it’ll be enough.


End file.
